I loved him so! Holding him melted away lots of my concerns. I could see how marvelous he was and found that whether others could see his greatness or not didn't bother me as much I thought it would.
His breathing was irregular and that cut down on my initial time with him. I enjoyed him as long as I could safely keep him but knew it was better to let the nurses have him to make sure he was breathing properly. Even though Isaac wasn't able to nurse on the breast I held him skin to skin and put him there as if he could. It was good for both of us.
He was put in the NICU out of precautionary measures and because the normal nursery was overflowing. Being in the NICU meant he couldn't leave and be brought to my room. As a baby prisoner I had to go to him to visit. Or so they say. Rules were meant to be broken and some of his nurses brought him to me so I could hold him and practice feeding him. Shhh...it's our secret.
A few hours after he was born the NICU doctor informed us he wasn't eating from a bottle and needed to be tubed. She had a really harsh approach that was hard to swallow. I wasn't expecting this and was a little reluctant. Mainly because of her presentation. They placed a tiny tube in his nose (I mean tiny!) that went into his tummy and allowed him to get some milk. Hey, when your 8 lbs 10 ounces you've gotta eat! A baby's got to do what a baby's got to do.
Later that night it was time for Emily, the new and VERY proud big sister to go home with Nana for bedtime. We walked down to the NICU to pay this new baby brother a visit. While we were there I decided to hold him skin to skin again and nurse him. He amazingly tried to latch on and suckle. He wasn't getting any milk from me but he was making a huge step to being able to ditch that tube thing out of his nose. After "nursing" him he began to take a bottle.
I have to prefice this nursing thing. I held him skin to skin but after he started feeding from a bottle I didn't try to nurse him. He didn't have a palate and nursing for him would have only burned precious calories and left him tired, frustrated, and still hungry. I didn't want him spinning his wheels at something that would never work for him.
There are babies with a cleft lip and intact palate that can nurse with little difficuly. However, my Isaac had a significant cleft in the palate that made nursing for him impossible. I even know of mom's that pump until after the second surgery (at 6-9 months) and are able to teach them to nurse after the palate is fixed. I did not have the stamina to deal with the hassle of pumping for that long and choose not to beat myself up over it. I did the best I could and that's that. (Don't get me wrong it does make me sad at times to think that the cleft stole the joy of nursing from the both of us.)
I was able to get an electric breast pump to give him as much breast milk as possible. The pumping thing turns out to be an extremely tiring endeavor!! It was taxing and time consuming to say the least but the benefits of that breast milk helped me keep going for him. After three 1/2 months of pumping I closed the dairy farm. If you're not able to do this please don't feel regret! I had nursed my first child for 16 months and had the heartfelt desire to give Isaac as much of this benefit as I possibly could. When I couldn't go on with it anymore I laid it down-proud of my accomplishment. I was finally ready to accept my defeat and admit I made a losy cow that was not meant to me milked.
I began to bank the breastmilk for the coming surgeries. I knew it had lots of antibodies and healing properties. I wanted him to have it as many days before surgery as possible (5 days if you can bank enough) and after. I regret the stuff I tried to give him after the surgeries. They don't eat well after the surgeries and the liquid gold I had put so much time in harvesting at the dairy farm wound up going to waste. My lesson here is that it's better used before the surgery when you know they will eat it and get the benefit from it.
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